Introducing - the Grammar Barbarian

Hello Friendly Readers!

 

In the Day Job that I'm warned not to quit, I am a Technical Writer and I contribute to our company's bi-monthly blog with a - let's call it a "feature" - that I call "The Grammar Barbarian."

 

It's a weird name, but it beats "Hot Black Desiado," which has already been taken anyway. I started off as "Grammar Granny," but then I found there already was a Grammar Granny on the interwebs who was actually getting people to pay her for her advice. Being litigation-phobic, I decided to try for something unique. I became the Grammar Barbarian because:

• I like that it's linked to my name
• I'm not a grammar perfectionist. I aim for being understood. If I obey the rules of grammar, that's a bonus
• I thought Barbarian was probably goofy enough that no one else would want it.

Anyhow, the following is from my latest company blog entry that I have their permission to use as long as I don't embarrass the company.

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Cartoon Old Viking clipart
from Clker.com

The Grammar Barbarian - Takes Another Look

Have you ever heard the expression "There are none so blind as those who will not see?" It's talking about people who refuse to acknowledge a fact or situation staring them in the face.

I have another take on those ultra-blind types. I think there are none so blind as those who do their own proofreading. I know this seems to contradict the common-sense rule of always checking your work, but hear me out. 

When you work on a project for any length of time, you start to see what should be there, not what is there. It sometimes takes a fresh pair of eyes to see even the most egregious errors.

Let me give you a terrifying example. (This may or may not have happened to someone you know. In any case, you can't prove it and I don't even work there anymore.) 

A poor, little, junior programmer was trying to earn brownie points toward her next performance review by helping her boss write a presentation for upper management. She worked very hard at checking his spelling and grammar and felt proud of the re-writes she had made to emphasize the points he wanted to make. She was especially proud of the phrase:

The company must be ready to handle the tremendous shift in data storage from...

If she read that phrase once, she read it a dozen times, and every time she patted herself on the back a little harder. She needed no proofreader to tell her how to spell! 

There was just one little problem. The Gremlins of Mischief had stolen the letter "f" in the word "shift," leaving quite another word that would cause her boss more than a little embarrassment at his presentation. She was so confident (some might say "conceited") in her own writing ability, that she never considered getting someone else to proof her work. 

No brownie points were earned. 

The moral of this sad little story is that no matter how well you think you've checked your work, it never hurts to have someone else proofread your document to help find those "invisible" errors.

 

Top Ten Ways to Prove You Were Not Raised by Wolves

I'm back. I spent a long time in the intellectual wilderness, but now I feel I could type forever. The following is based on real life experiences (mostly).

I love my job. Everybody I talk to loves working there. It’s just that some of my co-workers do things in common areas that make me want to shake them and call their mothers.

I was talking with a co-worker about this phenomenon. She reminded me that the reason rules of etiquette and manners were invented was to try to prevent that sort of reaction. They are common-sense practices that make living and working with other homo sapiens a happier, less homicidal experience. I've put together my idea of a "Top Ten” list of rules of common courtesy for the office. I invite you to send me your favorites to add.

10. If you use the last paper towel, get out a new roll. Don’t leave the last, pathetic, pasted-on sheet on the now all-but-empty roll and say, “But I didn’t take the last one.” You will expend mere seconds getting out a new roll.

9. If you spill something, clean it up, whether it is in the pantry, the cafeteria, on any floor, IN THE MICROWAVE, or anywhere else.

8. If you must use a speakerphone, do it in a room with a door and close the door. It is really irritating to have to hear both ends of a conversation – and the echo of at least one side of that conversation!

If I were Empress of the Universe, I would sentence people who use the speakerphone to chat with people in the same open office area to a week locked in a room with bubblegum music from the ‘60s (“Sugar, Sugar”) being played on speakerphones 24/7. (Some might call that harsh. I call it punishment fitting the crime.)

7. If you are talking with one or more people for more than just a minute, take it to a room with a door – and close the door! Solving your business problems is vital, it might even be interesting to someone else, but it shouldn’t get in the way of other people getting their work done.

6. If you are having an extended cell phone conversation, take it to a privacy room.

I’m not talking about the 20-second call in the afternoon to make sure your child is safely home from school. I’m talking about the marathons you get into with your mother (or mother-in-law – Yikes!) about who’s responsible for making what at the family reunion and why your nephew collects spiders and the things your great-aunt does when she drinks tequila.

·       Thing 1 – Your private life is nobody else’s business. Do you really want the entire office to know that you’re making a doctor’s appointment to get a mole shaped like Sonic the Hedgehog removed? I don’t think so.

·       Thing 2 – Your co-workers do NOT want to hear it. A mole shaped like Sonic the Hedgehog? Eeeewwww.

5. If the printer runs out of paper, refill it.

4. If the printer won’t print, the scanner won’t scan, or the machine won’t work without jamming, don’t just walk away and leave the solution to someone else. Ask for help from tech support. For extra brownie points, put a sticky note on the printer saying that it is out of order, and that the proper authorities have been notified.

3. If you are talking to someone in the open office space, modulate your voice so that the rest of the office doesn’t have to hear you. This is a lesson I personally learned the hard way. I still get too loud if I get “emotional,” which happens most often on payday.

2. In general, apply this corollary to the the Golden Rule: If you don’t want it done to you, don’t do it to anybody else.

1. If you think these rules don’t apply to you, then YOU are the one that all your co-workers are talking about.