When I went into work today, I was reminded of another type of occupational hazard - Office Zombies!
Office Zombies are different from garden variety zombies in that they are not un-dead. They are (at least temporarily) brain dead souls who occupy the bodies of your co-workers. They take your chair when you are away from your desk and then replace it with a chair that is six inches shorter than yours and wobbles slightly so that you are seriously seasick by lunchtime.
Office Zombies believe that anything in plain sight is theirs. This includes your chair, your desk, your computer and monitor, and that set of really nice pens you bought yourself because the pens in the supply room were crap.
Sometimes they ask politely to "borrow" your space for a meeting or some other work-related crisis. "That shouldn't be problem," you think. After all, you're all on the same team, right?
Wrong.
They are on the Zombie Team and don't play by human rules. When you return, you find that your mouse is on the opposite side of the keyboard, your monitor has been moved to a point precariously close to the edge of the desk, and your stash of emergency chocolate (which you had carefully hidden in the bottom desk drawer under that hideous sweater you don't mind leaving at the office because it is so incredibly ugly no one would ever be tempted to steal it) is - gone!
Fight Office Zombie-ism. Leave stuff the way you found it. Return what you borrow. The Zombies will see you and copy you because they want to avoid detection. Someday they might even get their brains back and do these things on their own. The day may come when you can shout from the rooftops that your office is a Zombie-free zone!
Maybe not.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Break Room Trolls
I think that just about anybody who has worked where there is some kind of break room or coffee area has experienced the misery of Break Room Trolls.
Break Room Trolls are not like other trolls. They don't hide under bridges and steal your goats. They aren't particularly smelly and have green slime where their hair should be. They are usually masters of disguise. They look like perfectly nice people - until they terrorize the break room.
You've seen the tragic aftermath: empty paper towel holders while there's a cabinet full of paper towel rolls just above; sticky, gritty puddles where sugar and creamer and multiple types of brown liquid have been spilled; coffee pots with 17 drops of coffee left in the bottom - so they are not officially empty; and my special favorite - dirty dishes, cups, and flatware left in the sink.
Who are these monsters? Where did they come from? One theory has it that they were stolen in their infancy by fairies who hired wild pigs to be their nannies and later returned them to their horrified human parents. Some say they were raised by wolves, but I don't think that wolf packs would put up with this selfish behavior for very long.
I think we might have to face the possibility that Break Room Trolls are mutant humans. I have witnessed incidents that support this idea. I have seen people, who would drop everything in a heartbeat to help a friend or co-worker, leave the mess they made on the counter for someone else to clean up. I have known people who have won awards for their brilliance or innovation or team spiritedness leave empty coffee pots or put their dirty dishes in the sink and walk away.
I just have one, humble question for the perpetrators of these crimes against the office:
Do you think the people coming after you won't notice? Do you think you're exempt because of your gender? your title? your age? Well, whatever excuses you give yourselves, they're all bogus!
Everybody has the occasional brain fart. We all do dumb things because we're distracted or rushed or whatever. Most of us try to do the right thing most of the time. Don't be a Troll. Be a grown-up human.
Break Room Trolls are not like other trolls. They don't hide under bridges and steal your goats. They aren't particularly smelly and have green slime where their hair should be. They are usually masters of disguise. They look like perfectly nice people - until they terrorize the break room.
You've seen the tragic aftermath: empty paper towel holders while there's a cabinet full of paper towel rolls just above; sticky, gritty puddles where sugar and creamer and multiple types of brown liquid have been spilled; coffee pots with 17 drops of coffee left in the bottom - so they are not officially empty; and my special favorite - dirty dishes, cups, and flatware left in the sink.
Who are these monsters? Where did they come from? One theory has it that they were stolen in their infancy by fairies who hired wild pigs to be their nannies and later returned them to their horrified human parents. Some say they were raised by wolves, but I don't think that wolf packs would put up with this selfish behavior for very long.
I think we might have to face the possibility that Break Room Trolls are mutant humans. I have witnessed incidents that support this idea. I have seen people, who would drop everything in a heartbeat to help a friend or co-worker, leave the mess they made on the counter for someone else to clean up. I have known people who have won awards for their brilliance or innovation or team spiritedness leave empty coffee pots or put their dirty dishes in the sink and walk away.
I just have one, humble question for the perpetrators of these crimes against the office:
Who the HELL do you think is going to clean up after you?
Do you think the people coming after you won't notice? Do you think you're exempt because of your gender? your title? your age? Well, whatever excuses you give yourselves, they're all bogus!
Everybody has the occasional brain fart. We all do dumb things because we're distracted or rushed or whatever. Most of us try to do the right thing most of the time. Don't be a Troll. Be a grown-up human.
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